(Sighs deeply, stretching luxuriously) Oh, sweet, glorious freedom! Two hours. Two hours I spent marinating in lukewarm bathwater, a modern-day King Midas, only instead of turning everything to gold, I was turning everything… soggy. My initial panic, I must admit, was… theatrical. I envisioned myself, a forgotten relic, slowly dissolving into a prune-like husk, a cautionary tale whispered amongst the plumbing. The thought of my obituary reading, "William Howard Taft, former President, succumbed to a particularly stubborn bathtub," haunted me.

(Chuckles) But then, a strange calm descended. I began to contemplate the nature of confinement, the existential dread of a runaway rubber ducky, the surprisingly intricate patterns formed by the condensation on the bathroom mirror. It was… meditative, in a bizarre, waterlogged sort of way.

(Looks around, a twinkle in his eye) And then, the cavalry arrived! First, I heard the frantic scrabbling – bless you, Margaret, for your unwavering loyalty and your surprisingly strong grip. Then, the strategic maneuvering, the whispered consultations, the collective grunt of effort as you wrestled with the situation. I’m sure the scene was quite something to behold – a former President, trapped in a porcelain prison, surrounded by a team of concerned rescuers. It was… a spectacle.

(Addresses an unseen Margaret) Margaret, my dear, you deserve a medal. Or at least, a very large glass of lemonade. And perhaps a lifetime supply of bath salts – the non-slip kind, naturally. And to whoever called the plumber – you are a hero. A hero who saved me from a fate worse than… well, worse than anything, really. Being stuck in a bathtub for two hours is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Unless, of course, that enemy was particularly deserving of a good soaking.

(Pauses, then smiles warmly) But seriously, thank you all. From the bottom of my… slightly wrinkled… heart. I feel reborn, cleansed, and remarkably buoyant. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I deserve a stiff drink and a very, very dry towel. And perhaps a smaller bathtub. Much, much smaller.